Growing up · 2026-09-16

The Pinecone Next to Yours

Before children truly play together, they often play side by side. This "parallel play" is the quiet foundation of early friendship and sharing.

In Switzerland, the tradition of the Waldkindergarten (forest kindergarten) embraces outdoor play in almost all weathers. Walk into a forest clearing on a crisp morning, and you might see two three-year-olds sitting side by side on a weathered log. One is carefully lining up a collection of pinecones; the other is poking holes in the damp earth with a small twig.

They seem perfectly happy, yet they aren't interacting at all. As adults, it's easy to look at this scene and worry. Are they struggling to make friends? Should we step in and encourage them to build a little fort together?

In reality, these two seemingly separate little worlds are exactly where early friendships begin to bloom.

The Quiet Power of Parallel Play

In the 1930s, developmental psychologist Mildred Parten mapped out the classic stages of early childhood play. She noted that around the ages of two to three, children frequently engage in "parallel play" ¹.

During this stage, toddlers play adjacent to each other, often with similar toys, but they do not try to influence one another's behaviour. It looks like they are simply ignoring each other, but if you watch closely, you will notice that they are acutely aware of their neighbour. The child with the pinecones might sneak a glance at the muddy holes, and gradually scoot an inch or two closer along the log.

For a young child, actively collaborating is cognitively exhausting. Parallel play offers a safe, low-pressure way to be social. They get to enjoy the comforting presence of a peer without the demanding task of negotiating rules or sharing materials. Think of it like two adults sitting at the same café table, comfortably reading their own books in companionable silence.

From "Mine" to "Ours"

As a child's executive function develops—particularly the ability to control impulses and hold information in their working memory—they begin to shift towards associative and eventually cooperative play around the ages of three to five ².

This is when the tricky concepts of turn-taking and sharing start to emerge. It takes immense self-regulation for a child to hit the brakes on the urge to grab a fascinating twig from a friend's hand. As they begin to navigate this, their curiosity about others grows. A child might turn to you, or even to a learning companion like Sparkie, to ask, "Why does he keep looking at my pinecone?"

This question is a beautiful milestone. It shows the beginnings of empathy—the realisation that the little person sitting next to them has their own distinct desires and thoughts.

Giving Them Space to Watch

When we understand the developmental value of parallel play, we can let go of the pressure for our children to "make friends" instantly. We don't always need to swoop in and enforce sharing or direct their games.

Friendship cannot be forced. It grows organically out of observation, imitation, and the quiet security of shared space. Sometimes, simply placing a pinecone next to someone else's is the most natural "hello" of all.

Things to Try This Week

Set up parallel stations: Place two similar sets of materials on a table, such as two lumps of playdough or two small piles of blocks. Sit alongside your child (or invite a friend) and play side by side without directing the action.

Sportscast instead of refereeing: When children are playing near each other and tension rises, simply describe what you see without judgment. "I see you are building a tall tower, and she is lining up her cars." Acknowledging their work validates their space without forcing interaction.

Make waiting visible: If children want the same item, try not to default to "you need to share." Instead, make turn-taking predictable. Use a visual sand timer or sing a short, familiar song to mark when it is time to swap. Predictability reduces anxiety and builds trust.