Growing up · 2026-10-21

Why They Hand You the Broccoli

When a toddler hands you their favorite toy to comfort you, it's a profound step in discovering that other people have their own thoughts and feelings.

You bump your knee on the table and let out a long sigh. Hearing this, your two-year-old toddles over, their eyes full of concern, and presses their slightly damp, much-loved stuffed bunny into your hands.

It is a moment of pure, heartwarming empathy. But to a developmental scientist, this sweet gesture is also a window into a fascinating cognitive puzzle. Your child is operating on a perfectly logical, albeit limited, assumption: This bunny comforts me, so it must comfort you, too.

The center of their universe

Early childhood is often described by psychologists, famously including Jean Piaget, as a time of "egocentrism." This term sometimes gets a bad reputation, but it doesn’t mean young children are selfish or inconsiderate. It simply means they are physically and cognitively bound to their own point of view.

To a young toddler, the world is exactly as they experience it. If they close their eyes and can't see you, they naturally assume you can't see them either. If they know a block is hidden under the sofa cushion, they assume everyone walking into the room knows it too. They are just beginning to discover that other people's minds are private, separate spaces.

Crackers or broccoli?

The developmental shift from "my mind" to "other minds" is what psychologists call "Theory of Mind." It is one of the most profound milestones in human development.

A classic experiment by developmental psychologist Alison Gopnik beautifully illustrates how this seed is planted. In her study, researchers offered toddlers two bowls: one filled with crackers (which toddlers universally love) and one with raw broccoli. The researcher tasted both, acting disgusted by the crackers and visibly delighted by the broccoli. They then put out their hand and asked the child, "Can you give me some?"

Fourteen-month-olds reliably handed the researcher crackers. They couldn't yet fathom that someone else might desire something different from what they desired. But by 18 months, children did something remarkable: they handed over the broccoli. In just a few months, they had grasped a profound new truth: You can want something completely different from what I want.

Giving them the vocabulary of the mind

Theory of Mind is not a switch that flips overnight; it takes years to fully bloom. By the age of four or five, children will reach the next big milestone: understanding that other people can have false beliefs, or not know something that the child already knows. Understanding that minds differ is the bedrock of true empathy, sharing, and eventually, making friends. It is what allows older children to resolve conflicts on the playground and comfort a friend in the exact way that friend needs to be comforted.

We don't need to explicitly "teach" these milestones, but we can gently support this growth by giving children the vocabulary of the mind. When we frequently use "mental state words" — like think, know, want, remember, feel — we help them map out the invisible world of human thoughts and emotions.

Three things to try this week

Point out different preferences: Casually mention differing tastes in your everyday life. "You love splashing in the puddles, but Grandpa prefers to sit quietly and look at the mountains." This helps them see that different minds want different things.
Be emotion detectives: While waiting for a train or sitting on a park bench, quietly observe the world together. "That little boy dropped his toy. How do you think he feels?" This gently invites them to step into someone else's shoes.
Pause during storytime: When reading a picture book, pause before turning the page. Ask, "Why do you think the dog is hiding? What does he know that the cat doesn't?" Shift the focus from what characters do to what they think.